CHAPTER XIV
BY AND BY, when we got up, we turned over the truck
the gang had stole off of the wreck, and found
boots, and blankets, and clothes, and all sorts of
other things, and a lot of books, and a spyglass,
and three boxes of seegars. We hadn't ever been this
rich before in neither of our lives. The seegars was
prime. We laid off all the afternoon in the woods
talking, and me reading the books, and having a
general good time. I told Jim all about what
happened inside the wreck and at the ferryboat, and
I said these kinds of things was adventures; but he
said he didn't want no more adventures. He said that
when I went in the texas and he crawled back to get
on the raft and found her gone he nearly died,
because he judged it was all up with him anyway it
could be fixed; for if he didn't get saved he would
get drownded; and if he did get saved, whoever saved
him would send him back home so as to get the
reward, and then Miss Watson would sell him South,
sure. Well, he was right; he was most always right;
he had an uncommon level head for a nigger.
I read considerable to Jim about kings and dukes and
earls and such, and how gaudy they dressed, and how
much style they put on, and called each other your
majesty, and your grace, and your lordship, and
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so on, 'stead of mister; and Jim's eyes bugged out,
and he was interested. He says:
"I didn' know dey was so many un um. I hain't hearn
'bout none un um, skasely, but ole King Sollermun,
onless you counts dem kings dat's in a pack er
k'yards. How much do a king git?"
"Get?" I says; "why, they get a thousand dollars a
month if they want it; they can have just as much as
they want; everything belongs to them."
"Ain'that gay? En what dey got to do, Huck?"
"They don't do nothing! Why, how you talk! They just
set around."
"No; is dat so?"
"Of course it is. They just set around -- except,
maybe, when there's a war; then they go to the war.
But other times they just lazy around; or go hawking
-- just hawking and sp -- Sh! -- d' you hear a
noise?"
We skipped out and looked; but it warn't nothing but
the flutter of a steamboat's wheel away down, coming
around the point; so we come back.
"Yes," says I, "and other times, when things is
dull, they fuss with the parlyment; and if everybody
don't go just so he whacks their heads off. But
mostly they hang round the harem."
"Roun' de which?"
"Harem."
"What's de harem?"
"The place where he keeps his wives. Don't you know
about the harem? Solomon had one; he had about a
million wives."
"Why, yes, dat's so; I -- I'd done forgot it. A
harem's a bo'd'n-house, I reck'n. Mos' likely dey
has rackety times in de nussery. En I reck'n de
wives
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quarrels considable; en dat 'crease de racket. Yit
dey say Sollermun de wises' man dat ever live'. I
doan' take no stock in dat. Bekase why: would a wise
man want to live in de mids' er sich a blim-blammin'
all de time? No -- 'deed he wouldn't. A wise man 'ud
take en buil' a biler-factry; en den he could shet
down de biler-factry when he want to res'."
"Well, but he was the wisest man, anyway; because
the widow she told me so, her own self."
"I doan k'yer what de widder say, he warn't no wise
man nuther. He had some er de dad-fetchedes' ways I
ever see. Does you know 'bout dat chile dat he 'uz
gwyne to chop in two?"
"Yes, the widow told me all about it."
"Well den! Warn' dat de beatenes' notion in de
worl'? You jes' take en look at it a minute. Dah's
de stump, dah -- dat's one er de women; heah's you
-- dat's de yuther one; I's Sollermun; en dish yer
dollar bill's de chile. Bofe un you claims it. What
does I do? Does I shin aroun' mongs' de neighbors en
fine out which un you de bill do b'long to, en han'
it over to de right one, all safe en soun', de way
dat anybody dat had any gumption would? No; I take
en whack de bill in two, en give half un it to you,
en de yuther half to de yuther woman. Dat's de way
Sollermun was gwyne to do wid de chile. Now I want
to ast you: what's de use er dat half a bill? --
can't buy noth'n wid it. En what use is a half a
chile? I wouldn' give a dern for a million un um."
"But hang it, Jim, you've clean missed the point --
blame it, you've missed it a thousand mile."
"Who? Me? Go 'long. Doan' talk to me 'bout yo'
pints. I reck'n I knows sense when I sees it; en
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dey ain' no sense in sich doin's as dat. De 'spute
warn't 'bout a half a chile, de 'spute was 'bout a
whole chile; en de man dat think he kin settle a
'spute 'bout a whole chile wid a half a chile doan'
know enough to come in out'n de rain. Doan' talk to
me 'bout Sollermun, Huck, I knows him by de back."
"But I tell you you don't get the point."
"Blame de point! I reck'n I knows what I knows. En
mine you, de real pint is down furder -- it's down
deeper. It lays in de way Sollermun was raised. You
take a man dat's got on'y one or two chillen; is dat
man gwyne to be waseful o' chillen? No, he ain't; he
can't 'ford it. He know how to value 'em. But you
take a man dat's got 'bout five million chillen
runnin' roun' de house, en it's diffunt. He as soon
chop a chile in two as a cat. Dey's plenty mo'. A
chile er two, mo' er less, warn't no consekens to
Sollermun, dad fatch him!"
I never see such a nigger. If he got a notion in his
head once, there warn't no getting it out again. He
was the most down on Solomon of any nigger I ever
see. So I went to talking about other kings, and let
Solomon slide. I told about Louis Sixteenth that got
his head cut off in France long time ago; and about
his little boy the dolphin, that would a been a
king, but they took and shut him up in jail, and
some say he died there.
"Po' little chap."
"But some says he got out and got away, and come to
America."
"Dat's good! But he'll be pooty lonesome -- dey ain'
no kings here, is dey, Huck?"
"No."
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"Den he cain't git no situation. What he gwyne to
do?"
"Well, I don't know. Some of them gets on the
police, and some of them learns people how to talk
French."
"Why, Huck, doan' de French people talk de same way
we does?"
"No, Jim; you couldn't understand a word they said
-- not a single word."
"Well, now, I be ding-busted! How do dat come?"
"I don't know; but it's so. I got some of their
jabber out of a book. S'pose a man was to come to
you and say Polly-voo-franzy -- what would you
think?"
"I wouldn' think nuff'n; I'd take en bust him over
de head -- dat is, if he warn't white. I wouldn't
'low no nigger to call me dat."
"Shucks, it ain't calling you anything. It's only
saying, do you know how to talk French?"
"Well, den, why couldn't he say it?"
"Why, he is a-saying it. That's a Frenchman's way of
saying it."
"Well, it's a blame ridicklous way, en I doan' want
to hear no mo' 'bout it. Dey ain' no sense in it."
"Looky here, Jim; does a cat talk like we do?"
"No, a cat don't."
"Well, does a cow?"
"No, a cow don't, nuther."
"Does a cat talk like a cow, or a cow talk like a
cat?"
"No, dey don't."
"It's natural and right for 'em to talk different
from each other, ain't it?"
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"Course."
"And ain't it natural and right for a cat and a cow
to talk different from us?"
"Why, mos' sholy it is."
"Well, then, why ain't it natural and right for a
Frenchman to talk different from us? You answer me
that."
"Is a cat a man, Huck?"
"No."
"Well, den, dey ain't no sense in a cat talkin' like
a man. Is a cow a man? -- er is a cow a cat?"
"No, she ain't either of them."
"Well, den, she ain't got no business to talk like
either one er the yuther of 'em. Is a Frenchman a
man?"
"Yes."
"WELL, den! Dad blame it, why doan' he talk like a
man? You answer me dat!"
I see it warn't no use wasting words -- you can't
learn a nigger to argue. So I quit.
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