CHAPTER XXV
THE news was all over town in two minutes, and you
could see the people tearing down on the run from
every which way, some of them putting on their coats
as they come. Pretty soon we was in the middle of a
crowd, and the noise of the tramping was like a
soldier march. The windows and dooryards was full;
and every minute somebody would say, over a fence:
"Is it them?"
And somebody trotting along with the gang would
answer back and say:
"You bet it is."
When we got to the house the street in front of it
was packed, and the three girls was standing in the
door. Mary Jane was red-headed, but that don't make
no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and her
face and her eyes was all lit up like glory, she was
so glad her uncles was come. The king he spread his
arms, and Marsy Jane she jumped for them, and the
hare-lip jumped for the duke, and there they had it!
Everybody most, leastways women, cried for joy to
see them meet again at last and have such good
times.
Then the king he hunched the duke private -- I see
him do it -- and then he looked around and see the
coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; so then
him and the duke, with a hand across each other's
shoulder, and t'other hand to their eyes, walked
slow and
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solemn over there, everybody dropping back to give
them room, and all the talk and noise stopping,
people saying "Sh!" and all the men taking their
hats off and drooping their heads, so you could a
heard a pin fall. And when they got there they bent
over and looked in the coffin, and took one sight,
and then they bust out a-crying so you could a heard
them to Orleans, most; and then they put their arms
around each other's necks, and hung their chins over
each other's shoulders; and then for three minutes,
or maybe four, I never see two men leak the way they
done. And, mind you, everybody was doing the same;
and the place was that damp I never see anything
like it. Then one of them got on one side of the
coffin, and t'other on t'other side, and they
kneeled down and rested their foreheads on the
coffin, and let on to pray all to themselves. Well,
when it come to that it worked the crowd like you
never see anything like it, and everybody broke down
and went to sobbing right out loud -- the poor
girls, too; and every woman, nearly, went up to the
girls, without saying a word, and kissed them,
solemn, on the forehead, and then put their hand on
their head, and looked up towards the sky, with the
tears running down, and then busted out and went off
sobbing and swabbing, and give the next woman a
show. I never see anything so disgusting.
Well, by and by the king he gets up and comes
forward a little, and works himself up and slobbers
out a speech, all full of tears and flapdoodle about
its being a sore trial for him and his poor brother
to lose the diseased, and to miss seeing diseased
alive after the long journey of four thousand mile,
but it's a trial
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that's sweetened and sanctified to us by this dear
sympathy and these holy tears, and so he thanks them
out of his heart and out of his brother's heart,
because out of their mouths they can't, words being
too weak and cold, and all that kind of rot and
slush, till it was just sickening; and then he
blubbers out a pious goody-goody Amen, and turns
himself loose and goes to crying fit to bust.
And the minute the words were out of his mouth
somebody over in the crowd struck up the doxolojer,
and everybody joined in with all their might, and it
just warmed you up and made you feel as good as
church letting out. Music is a good thing; and after
all that soul-butter and hogwash I never see it
freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully.
Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says
how him and his nieces would be glad if a few of the
main principal friends of the family would take
supper here with them this evening, and help set up
with the ashes of the diseased; and says if his poor
brother laying yonder could speak he knows who he
would name, for they was names that was very dear to
him, and mentioned often in his letters; and so he
will name the same, to wit, as follows, vizz.: --
Rev. Mr. Hobson, and Deacon Lot Hovey, and Mr. Ben
Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and
Dr. Robinson, and their wives, and the widow
Bartley.
Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of
the town a-hunting together -- that is, I mean the
doctor was shipping a sick man to t'other world, and
the preacher was pinting him right. Lawyer Bell was
away up to Louisville on business. But the rest was
on hand, and so they all come and shook
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hands with the king and thanked him and talked to
him; and then they shook hands with the duke and
didn't say nothing, but just kept a-smiling and
bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilst
he made all sorts of signs with his hands and said
"Goo-goo -- goo-goo-goo" all the time, like a baby
that can't talk.
So the king he blattered along, and managed to
inquire about pretty much everybody and dog in town,
by his name, and mentioned all sorts of little
things that happened one time or another in the
town, or to George's family, or to Peter. And he
always let on that Peter wrote him the things; but
that was a lie: he got every blessed one of them out
of that young flathead that we canoed up to the
steamboat.
Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father
left behind, and the king he read it out loud and
cried over it. It give the dwelling-house and three
thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give
the tanyard (which was doing a good business), along
with some other houses and land (worth about seven
thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold to
Harvey and William, and told where the six thousand
cash was hid down cellar. So these two frauds said
they'd go and fetch it up, and have everything
square and above-board; and told me to come with a
candle. We shut the cellar door behind us, and when
they found the bag they spilt it out on the floor,
and it was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boys. My,
the way the king's eyes did shine! He slaps the duke
on the shoulder and says:
"Oh, this ain't bully nor noth'n! Oh, no, I reckon
not! Why, Biljy, it beats the Nonesuch, don't it?"
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The duke allowed it did. They pawed the yaller-boys,
and sifted them through their fingers and let them
jingle down on the floor; and the king says:
"It ain't no use talkin'; bein' brothers to a rich
dead man and representatives of furrin heirs that's
got left is the line for you and me, Bilge. Thish
yer comes of trust'n to Providence. It's the best
way, in the long run. I've tried 'em all, and ther'
ain't no better way."
Most everybody would a been satisfied with the pile,
and took it on trust; but no, they must count it. So
they counts it, and it comes out four hundred and
fifteen dollars short. Says the king:
"Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four
hundred and fifteen dollars?"
They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all
around for it. Then the duke says:
"Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made
a mistake -- I reckon that's the way of it. The best
way's to let it go, and keep still about it. We can
spare it."
"Oh, shucks, yes, we can spare it. I don't k'yer
noth'n 'bout that -- it's the count I'm thinkin'
about. We want to be awful square and open and
above-board here, you know. We want to lug this
h-yer money up stairs and count it before everybody
-- then ther' ain't noth'n suspicious. But when the
dead man says ther's six thous'n dollars, you know,
we don't want to -- "
"Hold on," says the duke. "Le's make up the
deffisit," and he begun to haul out yaller-boys out
of his pocket.
"It's a most amaz'n' good idea, duke -- you have got
a rattlin' clever head on you," says the king.
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"Blest if the old Nonesuch ain't a heppin' us out
agin," and he begun to haul out yaller-jackets and
stack them up.
It most busted them, but they made up the six
thousand clean and clear.
"Say," says the duke, "I got another idea. Le's go
up stairs and count this money, and then take and
give it to the girls."
"Good land, duke, lemme hug you! It's the most
dazzling idea 'at ever a man struck. You have
cert'nly got the most astonishin' head I ever see.
Oh, this is the boss dodge, ther' ain't no mistake
'bout it. Let 'em fetch along their suspicions now
if they want to -- this 'll lay 'em out."
When we got up-stairs everybody gethered around the
table, and the king he counted it and stacked it up,
three hundred dollars in a pile -- twenty elegant
little piles. Everybody looked hungry at it, and
licked their chops. Then they raked it into the bag
again, and I see the king begin to swell himself up
for another speech. He says:
"Friends all, my poor brother that lays yonder has
done generous by them that's left behind in the vale
of sorrers. He has done generous by these yer poor
little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that's
left fatherless and motherless. Yes, and we that
knowed him knows that he would a done more generous
by 'em if he hadn't ben afeard o' woundin' his dear
William and me. Now, wouldn't he? Ther' ain't no
question 'bout it in my mind. Well, then, what kind
o' brothers would it be that 'd stand in his way at
sech a time? And what kind o' uncles would it be
that 'd rob -- yes, rob -- sech poor sweet lambs as
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these 'at he loved so at sech a time? If I know
William -- and I think I do -- he -- well, I'll jest
ask him." He turns around and begins to make a lot
of signs to the duke with his hands, and the duke he
looks at him stupid and leather-headed a while; then
all of a sudden he seems to catch his meaning, and
jumps for the king, goo-gooing with all his might
for joy, and hugs him about fifteen times before he
lets up. Then the king says, "I knowed it; I reckon
that 'll convince anybody the way he feels about it.
Here, Mary Jane, Susan, Joanner, take the money --
take it all. It's the gift of him that lays yonder,
cold but joyful."
Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lip
went for the duke, and then such another hugging and
kissing I never see yet. And everybody crowded up
with the tears in their eyes, and most shook the
hands off of them frauds, saying all the time:
"You dear good souls! -- how lovely! -- how could
you!"
Well, then, pretty soon all hands got to talking
about the diseased again, and how good he was, and
what a loss he was, and all that; and before long a
big iron-jawed man worked himself in there from
outside, and stood a-listening and looking, and not
saying anything; and nobody saying anything to him
either, because the king was talking and they was
all busy listening. The king was saying -- in the
middle of something he'd started in on --
" -- they bein' partickler friends o' the diseased.
That's why they're invited here this evenin'; but
tomorrow we want all to come -- everybody; for he
respected everybody, he liked everybody, and so it's
fitten that his funeral orgies sh'd be public."
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And so he went a-mooning on and on, liking to hear
himself talk, and every little while he fetched in
his funeral orgies again, till the duke he couldn't
stand it no more; so he writes on a little scrap of
paper, "Obsequies, you old fool," and folds it up,
and goes to goo-gooing and reaching it over people's
heads to him. The king he reads it and puts it in
his pocket, and says:
"Poor William, afflicted as he is, his heart's aluz
right. Asks me to invite everybody to come to the
funeral -- wants me to make 'em all welcome. But he
needn't a worried -- it was jest what I was at."
Then he weaves along again, perfectly ca'm, and goes
to dropping in his funeral orgies again every now
and then, just like he done before. And when he done
it the third time he says:
"I say orgies, not because it's the common term,
because it ain't -- obsequies bein' the common term
-- but because orgies is the right term. Obsequies
ain't used in England no more now -- it's gone out.
We say orgies now in England. Orgies is better,
because it means the thing you're after more exact.
It's a word that's made up out'n the Greek orgo,
outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew jeesum, to
plant, cover up; hence inter. So, you see, funeral
orgies is an open er public funeral."
He was the worst I ever struck. Well, the iron-jawed
man he laughed right in his face. Everybody was
shocked. Everybody says, "Why, doctor!" and Abner
Shackleford says:
"Why, Robinson, hain't you heard the news? This is
Harvey Wilks."
The king he smiled eager, and shoved out his
flapper, and says:
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"Is it my poor brother's dear good friend and
physician? I -- "
"Keep your hands off of me!" says the doctor. "You
talk like an Englishman, don't you? It's the worst
imitation I ever heard. You Peter Wilks's brother!
You're a fraud, that's what you are!"
Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the
doctor and tried to quiet him down, and tried to
explain to him and tell him how Harvey 'd showed in
forty ways that he was Harvey, and knowed everybody
by name, and the names of the very dogs, and begged
and begged him not to hurt Harvey's feelings and the
poor girl's feelings, and all that. But it warn't no
use; he stormed right along, and said any man that
pretended to be an Englishman and couldn't imitate
the lingo no better than what he did was a fraud and
a liar. The poor girls was hanging to the king and
crying; and all of a sudden the doctor ups and turns
on them. He says:
"I was your father's friend, and I'm your friend;
and I warn you as a friend, and an honest one that
wants to protect you and keep you out of harm and
trouble, to turn your backs on that scoundrel and
have nothing to do with him, the ignorant tramp,
with his idiotic Greek and Hebrew, as he calls it.
He is the thinnest kind of an impostor -- has come
here with a lot of empty names and facts which he
picked up somewheres, and you take them for proofs,
and are helped to fool yourselves by these foolish
friends here, who ought to know better. Mary Jane
Wilks, you know me for your friend, and for your
unselfish friend, too. Now listen to me; turn this
pitiful rascal out -- I beg you to do it. Will you?"
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Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she
was handsome! She says:
"Here is my answer." She hove up the bag of money
and put it in the king's hands, and says, "Take this
six thousand dollars, and invest for me and my
sisters any way you want to, and don't give us no
receipt for it."
Then she put her arm around the king on one side,
and Susan and the hare-lip done the same on the
other. Everybody clapped their hands and stomped on
the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held
up his head and smiled proud. The doctor says:
"All right; I wash my hands of the matter. But I
warn you all that a time 's coming when you're going
to feel sick whenever you think of this day." And
away he went.
"All right, doctor," says the king, kinder mocking
him; "we'll try and get 'em to send for you;" which
made them all laugh, and they said it was a prime
good hit. The Bag of Money
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